V SPOMIN RENATI

Rodila sem se 14. februarja 1964 v Ljubljani, po maturi na poljanski gimnaziji diplomirala na FSPN smer novinarstvo in se zaposlila kot novinarka v uredništvu revije Jana. Bila sem uspešna in vse je kazalo na lepo kariero, ko me je leta 1992 doletela prva epizoda duševne bolezni, manično-depresivne psihoze, ki me je skoraj pokopala in me prestavila na začetek neke čisto druge in drugačne poti. Bilo me je neznosno strah … do lani.

Kaj se je zgodilo vmes, piše v Japajade in v Depri.

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v spomin renati ažman​

Naše drage Renate, prijateljice, mentorice, človeka z velikim srcem, med nami ni že tri leta. Izgubili smo velikega človeka, pravo, iskreno prijateljico. Bila je neznosna bolečina pogrešanja in velika praznina in želja – samo še enkrat iz oči v oči, v njenem toplem, iskrenem objemu.

Leta tečejo, bolečina izgublja svojo ostrino in naboj, a Renato, našo Renato zelo pogrešamo. Najverjetneje bo zmeraj tako, kajti Ona se je dotaknila srčike življenja. In tudi brezna smrti. Njene čokoladno-rjave oči, v katerih smo lahko prebirali zgodbo njenega življenja, v katerem se je borila z demoni otroštva, kjer so jo izdali in zlorabili tisti, ki bi ji morali dati ljubezen, sprejemanje, zaščito. Pogrešamo tisto njeno kavo izpito v njeni kuhinji, njene prodorne genialne misli, njeno nemoč in izpraševanje o življenju – njeno prisotnost – njo samo. Popolno. Kajti bila je popolna, škoda, ker sama tega ni zmogla videti. Tolikokrat nas je bodrila, spodbujala in navdihovala. Ljubezen nikoli ne mine, kako zelo res.

Naj bo oživitev njene spletne strani skromna zahvala in spomin nanjo, ki živi tako živo v nas, da preko nje še verujemo v ljubezen. V človeško ljubezen, ki nas povezuje tukaj in sega tja čez, kjer se bomo nekoč spet objeli. In jo zagledali, našo drago prijateljico, ki nas bo sprejela razširjenih rok (in mi njo), popolnoma ranljiva, takšna kot je bila tudi na tej strani bivanja. Hvala ti, draga naša Renata. Nikoli te ne bomo pozabili. Ne moremo. Nočemo. In lepo praznuj tvoje večno Valentinovo tam onkraj. Ki je tukaj blizu. Ki je (Si) v Nas. Hvala TI.

Sabina

Spomini na Renato

Zbogom bojevnica (napisano 17. januarja 2016)

Ta zapis je posvečen kolegici, ki nas je v zadnjem tednu zapustila za vedno. Glede na to, da so jo poznali tudi mnogi novinarji medijske hiše, katere časopis držite v rokah, je to tudi neke vrste skupno slovo. Brez skrbi, ne bo privatni zapis, ki se vas vseh drugih čisto nič ne tiče. Mogoče prej lekcija vsem nam o dragocenosti življenja, takšnega kot nam je namenjen. In o smrti, ki nas vse čaka.

Renata se je dolga leta borila z zahrbtno boleznijo, ki se imenuje bipolarna motnja. Včasih smo jo poznali kot manično-depresivno motnjo, potem pa so pametne glave sklenile, da se imenuje drugače. Kakorkoli. Za vse tiste, ki se vam ne sanja veliko o tem, kako je živeti na čustvenem toboganu ves čas, lahko zapišem, da je težko. Težko je človeku s to kronično zadevo, težko je pogosto bližnjim in težko je tudi zato, ker živimo v družbi, ki rada lepi nalepke. In ena od teh nadležnih nalepk je seveda tudi tista o »norcih«. O tem raje šepetamo in kažemo s prstom, vendar samo za hrbtom. Ker se tako spodobi.

Renata je bila glede tega drugačna. Glasna in odločna se je borila za košček prostora tudi za vse druge, ki jih teži duševna težava. Ko je izdala Depro, eno izmed svojih knjig, je s tem naredila enega večjih korakov v slovenski družbi glede razbijanja neumnih stereotipov o depresiji. Vedno je zagovarjala odkritost in neposredno besedo. Zdi se mi, da je spodbudila kar nekaj bolj izpostavljenih ljudi, da so brez sramu tudi sami spregovorili o svojih izkušnjah s podobnimi problemi. Ker depresija je lahko pasja. In ni tako redka. In manija je lahko tudi pasja. In tudi ni tako redka. Takšnemu spopadu na odprtem bojišču javnosti lahko vedno rečemo resnično opolnomočenje. In verjemite, v teh časih še kako potrebujemo nekaj pomoči.

Z Renato sva se nazadnje videla, govorila, spila kavo in pokadila nekaj čikov ob predstavitvi mednarodnega projekta avtorskih zgodb žrtev spolnih zlorab in njene knjige Yoyo. Kreativno pisanje je bilo njeno orožje in vihtela ga je spretno. Takrat so nekateri zapisali, da je Renata bojevnica proti strahu, z izpovedjo o lastnem incestu pa je prestopila še eno mejo slovenskih tabujev. Kdo bi si mislil, kaj skriva nasmeh te punce, ki sem jo spoznal leta 1998! Takšni smo, pogosto pač skrivamo. Takrat, pred dobrim letom, sva se menila o tem, kako je pomembno, da čim več oškodovancev tega gnusnega dejanja postane glasnih. Takrat sva se videla zadnjič. Nikoli ne veš, kdaj bo zadnjič, kajne?

Zadnje mesece sva si včasih kaj napisala preko spleta, ker tako se zdaj pogovarjamo, vsi zaposleni in zabubljeni v lastne tegobe. Časa nam manjka. Znanci so se vmes morali zateči v bolnico, ker jim je bilo prehudo, nekateri so poskušali pisati in v tipkovnice zabiti svoje težke zgodbe. To so bile najine teme, ker sva se nekako razumela, ker se nama je zdelo to pomembno. Tako kot še mnogim, ki ste jo poznali. Človeka, ki ga ni več, si pogosto želimo lastiti. Nočem tega. Ljudje na raznih koncih naše dežele, ozrite se okoli in nagovorite tistega, ki je v stiski, preberite mu odlomek kakšne štorije. Ker nismo sami. Pripovedujte zgodbo o pogumni bojevnici, ki je sama pisala zgodbe. Naj ti bo lepo na drugi strani Renata in hvala, da smo te poznali.

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